Soooo… it’s been a while.

Hi there!  How are you all?  Well!  It has been a while since my last post and many changes have taken place!  I will try to remember them all.

Firstly, I am winning my battle with depression!  I am on a dosage now that is working well for me and I feel in control of my life (that happy illusion that we subsribe to that we actually have any control over it at all!).  I feel like things are finally turning around and I am steering my lovely little family into calmer waters.

We have moved!  We have moved an hour away from our old home which has been very bittersweet.  Firstly, I didn’t want to leave.  Secondly, I didn’t want to stay.  Therein lay the conundrum!  I LOVED the kid’s school, the friends we all had made and the school community.  I love my city.  I enjoyed living amongst so much variety as well as the general pulse of the city in general.  BUT I had no support and was feeling the crushing weight of responsibility suffocating me as I felt myself failing at even the most basic of tasks.  So many people kept telling me what I great job I was doing and to cut myself some slack.  But I was so paralysed by stress and unhappiness with my situation that I couldn’t listen – when you find yourself breaking the budget to buy tuckshop every day because you can’t bring yourself to get out of bed in the morning to make lunches that won’t be eaten, you know that something has to change!

One day in March my two little terrors broke into the medicine cabinet and stole a near full bottle of panadol.  Other kids, this wouldn’t have been a big issue.  But with the female incarnation of Merlin residing in my home it was a massive problem!  The little magician separated the white part of the childproof lid from the clear part making it simple to open the bottle and share it with her brother.  I got out of bed, found the empty bottle and promptly started our usual “off to the hospital” ritual, we had only been there a week before to rule out a broken bone.  We were swiftly moved to a room in the Children’s Emergency Department for monitoring and a 4 hour weight to check bloods and kidney function amongst queries of “how did they get the lid off?” and exclamations of “I have never hear of that being done before!”.  I must have looked a bit of a state despite my calm and quiet demeanor as I was asked a few times if I was ok and someone took it upon themselves to send a social worker to visit us.  She spent a good hour plus with me as I talked and answered all her questions.  She suggested to me that I move closer to my parents as they are my main support – something that both my children’s psychologists and occupational therapists had been suggesting to me also but I had so far resisted.  The social worker was exhausted after spending time with us and actually said “I am exhausted after an hour in here, no wonder you feel like you are falling apart after years of doing this on your own”.

So, I finally took everyone’s advice and started looking for a place to live.  After 3 months of looking, we moved into a lovely unit 2 weeks ago just before school holidays started.  This will be the third week off school for my guys and they are starting to drive me a little batty – but only a little, which is a massive improvement!  I am almost completely unpacked and we all agree that we love our new home and are much happier here already.  We have had dinner with my parents several times and they have taken the kids overnight once too!  It was definitely a great move for us and I am so glad that we have done it.

My little man started Prep this year and it has been just wonderful for him.  He loves the structure of school life and learning new things every day.  He was very sad to leave his teachers and they were sad to lose such a “delightful child” who “brings joy” to their day.  Whilst he was excellent at school, he would fairly lose the plot at home!  Thanks to Kmart I got him a $5 inflatable punching bag and whatever negative energy he needed to get out he would expend on the punching bag – he now wants to start boxing! lol.  My little man is very interested in excercise and going to the gym.  We would go to the free gym in the park near our old home and this is one of the things he misses the most about our new place, so I have promised to look for a new outdoor gym for us to frequent 😀  He tried Tai Kwan Do earlier in the year but decided not to pursue it further as he spent a whole lesson there and didn’t get to kick or hit anyone! lol So he has decided he would rather do swimming lessons instead.  Now that we live closer to the beach I think we might consider getting him into Nippers next year 😀

My little lady started grade 1 this year and it has been eventful!  She had a day where she tried to run away from school (my greatest fear!), but after the initial hurdles she settled into the rigidity of her school day nicely.  Unfortunately though, not long before our move, one of her friends lost his mother in an accident.  This made an already emotional time even more intense as my poor baby girl became terrified of losing me.  Thankfully we overcame that hurdle and the result is that my darling girl seems to appreciate me more, which is a truly beautiful gift to have come out of such a tragedy.  For the past 2 days my gorgeous girl has made me breakfast in bed just to show me how much she loves me and appreciates everything I do for them both ❤  Although, yesterday she also made me morning tea which consisted of wilted celery (that had frozen in the fridge) with peanut butter to dip and a rice cake sandwich of mayonnaise and grapes.  I am ashamed to say I couldn’t eat it.  I felt bad for my baby girl because she was so proud of herself!  So I left it on my bedside table and thoughtfully disposed of it after she had gone to bed last night so as not to hurt her feelings or discourage her from such acts in the future.

We were lucky enough to go on a mini holiday with my parents a couple of months ago and had the very great pleasure of catching up with a bunch of family that I haven’t spent much time with in years!  So spending a long weekend with them was a blessing that I hope to repeat later in the year!  Speaking of which, I need to organise that! 😀  Also on the subject of holidays, one of my best friends has insisted I research cruises for us!  She is fed up with hearing about my cruise last year and is determined that we need to go off and have a lovely cruising adventure together – I cannot wait!!!  I am so thankful for this lovely lady, I don’t know how I would have made it through the last year without her ❤

On a sad note though, I think I may have lost my best friend in the world.  Over the past 12 months things have been excessively difficult for both of us and I have changed so much that I am not sure that our friendship will survive what we are both throwing at it.  After almost 20 years it is very sad for this relationship that I have always held so dear feel like it is turning to water, slipping through my fingers and disappearing, and no amount of effort on my part seems to be able to stop it.  The pain that I feel over this slow, painful death has been excruciatingly difficult to bear and I feel like I won’t ever recover from it.  Getting up and living my life every day whilst feeling like that day is taking me one step closer to a life without my bestie in it is the kind of torture that I wouldn’t wish on anyone and it makes achieving happiness very difficult indeed.

But that is what I am striving for.  Happiness.  Simple.  Complicated.  Difficult.  But I am making progress.  3 times in the last 2 weeks I have felt truly happy.  2 mornings I got up, had a lovely hot shower and put my flannel pj’s on to go and make breakfast and I thought “I love me life”.  Now if that isn’t happiness then I don’t know what is!

xoxo

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